You don’t love yourself — here’s how to change that
Be honest with yourself for a moment. Do you truly love yourself? Or are you constantly battling self-doubt, chasing perfection, and seeking validation from others? If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us mistake self-criticism for self-improvement. But the truth is, loving yourself isn’t something that "just happens." It’s a conscious, ongoing practice. So, if you’ve been feeling like you’re not enough, this is for you. Let’s unpack why self-love feels so hard and how you can start embracing yourself exactly as you are.
Signs You Don’t Love Yourself
Negative Self-Talk
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid” or “I’ll never be good enough”? This kind of inner dialogue isn’t just harsh—it’s destructive. If you wouldn’t say it to a loved one, why is it okay to say it to yourself? Negative self-talk is one of the biggest red flags that self-love is missing from your life.
Reflective Question: What’s one unkind thing you’ve told yourself recently? How would you reframe it into something more compassionate?
Chronic People-Pleasing
Do you say "yes" when you really mean "no"? Do you fear disappointing others, even at the expense of your own well-being? People-pleasing often stems from a desire for external validation. But here’s the hard truth: No amount of other people’s approval can replace your own self-acceptance.
Reflective Question: When was the last time you said "yes" to something you didn’t want to do? What could you have said instead?
Perfectionism and Overworking
If you’re always chasing perfection, it’s likely because you’ve tied your worth to your achievements. Perfectionism convinces you that you’ll be "enough" once you’ve done everything right. Spoiler alert: Perfection is an illusion. True self-love happens when you’re willing to be seen as imperfect.
Reflective Question: Where in your life are you chasing perfection? What would it look like to prioritize progress over perfection?
Avoiding Self-Care
Self-care isn’t just face masks and bubble baths. It’s setting boundaries, saying "no," and giving yourself permission to rest. If you’re always "too busy" to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being, you’re sending yourself the message that you’re not worthy of care.
Reflective Question: What’s one small way you can practice self-care this week, even if it’s just taking a 5-minute break to breathe?
Struggling to Accept Compliments
Do you deflect compliments with awkward laughter or by downplaying your achievements? If so, you’re not allowing yourself to fully receive love from others. Self-love includes the ability to receive kindness and recognize your own strengths.
Reflective Question: The next time someone compliments you, how will you respond differently?
Why Self-Love Feels So Hard
Self-love is difficult because, for many of us, it’s unfamiliar territory. We’ve been conditioned to prioritize productivity, perfection, and pleasing others. From a young age, society teaches us that our worth is tied to our looks, achievements, and status.
If you’ve spent years believing that "being hard on yourself" will make you successful, it’s no wonder self-love feels uncomfortable. But discomfort is often a sign that you’re growing.
Reflective Question: How do you think society’s messages about "success" have shaped your relationship with yourself?
How to Start Loving Yourself Today
Practice Self-Compassion
Next time you make a mistake, talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend. Instead of, “I’m such a failure,” try, “I’m learning and growing. Mistakes are part of the process.” Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness, especially in moments of failure.
Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Boundaries are a form of self-respect. It’s okay to say "no" to things that drain your energy. The people who truly love you will understand. And the ones who don’t? They’re not your people.
Action Step: This week, identify one person or situation where you’ll set a boundary. Plan how you’ll communicate it clearly and kindly.
Celebrate Small Wins
Don’t wait for the "big" moment to feel proud of yourself. Celebrate small wins—completing a task, taking care of your health, or simply getting through a tough day. These wins add up.
Action Step: Write down three small wins from today. They don’t have to be big or flashy—just real.
Detox Your Social Media
Social media often fuels comparison. If certain accounts make you feel "less than," unfollow them. Your feed should uplift you, not make you doubt your worth.
Action Step: Unfollow 3 accounts that negatively impact your self-esteem and follow 3 that inspire self-love.
Seek Therapy or Support
Sometimes, self-love requires help from others. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore past wounds, reframe negative beliefs, and build healthier habits. If therapy isn’t accessible to you, seek support from self-help books, podcasts, or trusted friends.
Action Step: Research one mental health resource this week—whether it’s a therapist, a book, or a podcast focused on self-love.
Lastly,
Loving yourself doesn’t mean you’ll always feel confident. It’s about giving yourself grace on the days you feel insecure. It’s about showing up for yourself, even when you’d rather give up.
If you’ve made it this far, know this: You’re already on the path to self-love. Awareness is the first step. The next step? Action. Choose one small act of self-love today. Your future self will thank you for it.
Reflective Question: What’s one thing you’ll do today to show yourself love? Write it down and make it happen.*
